I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
And then my night got REAL pukey
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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