whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
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