I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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