All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
