yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
