I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
