My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
