Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
