apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
