I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
