You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If I die, sorry about rent.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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