i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
