We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
