I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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