you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈ðŸ˜
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