Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
