She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
