This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
