Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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