nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
