I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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