He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
