i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
