textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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