I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
