i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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