I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
