my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
