Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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