I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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