Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
