You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
