Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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