i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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