dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
