Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
