thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
