Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
