You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
