Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
