someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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