please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
