My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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