remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
