really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
