I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
