I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
