I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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