So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
