Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
