some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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