I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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