Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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