How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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