The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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