I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
