wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
