I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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