I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
